Harry Potter, Bachelor Detective
by ColorMeMonochrome
Summary: It started off as an interesting case: the most successful courtesan in France is not a Veela, and she has gone missing. And freelance detective Harry Potter is the only one eligible to handle it. Harry/No One. Post DH. EWE.


CH. 1: The Most Ineligible Bachelor gets a Case

Harry Potter was an unhappy bloke. Looking into the mirror, he should have seen a man of twenty-nine but instead he was reminded of his naïve 16-year-old self all because his hair was not—behaving—correctly! Back at Hogwarts, he tried Sleekeazy and it worked up until his magical genetics defied the potion, and he was then stuck with a substance that only made his hair stick up straighter than normal.

Draco Malfoy, unfortunately, was out of stock. The man-child was not exactly his best friend in the world, but Harry was nothing if not forgiving once Malfoy spent months essentially friend-courting him, and immediately after Hermione screamed bloody murder when Malfoy's last gift caused allergic reactions she didn't even know she had when it redirected to her flat. Since the war, the young Malfoy lost most of his family's fortune as part of the Ministry order to help rebuild Wizarding England, but he gained most of it back by secluding himself for several years in a tiny cottage with his godfather Snape's potions books, learning the Art, and eventually building a company by commercializing his new skills. It took several years before Neo-Traditional-Genesis, nicknamed Neutragena by a giggling Hermione, but actually shorted to NTG by investors, became one of the rising up-and-coming Wizarding beauty product companies in Western Europe. Malfoy was not quite there yet, but Harry thought it wouldn't be long before the man's drive to once again be filthy rich would eventually take him from owning just a few boutiques to owning a household name.

Back to Harry's problem: Malfoy was out of the hair product that apparently defied bloodline appearances. The Beautician, as Harry has come to call him, was hogging the last bottles for himself, so it would have to be a while before the next half-moon before he gets something to deal with his hair.

Sighing, he reached his Floo to check his messages. There was a message from Ginny inviting him to her third baby shower, another from a drunken Neville wishing him good luck with the Poinsettias – what? -, and finally:

"Is this Mssr. Harry Potter?" a woman with a fairly heavy French accent. "This is unusual, but Miss Gabrielle – you know her yes? – is letting me borrow her Floo to ask you if you were willing to help me help my daughter."

A familiar face popped into the fire. "Harry.. Harry, could you help her? The French Ministry is absolutely refusing our pleas! They're unwilling to turn against the Veela community, and I... the Veela have turned away from me for trying to help Lea, and you're the only detective with enough power that can also withstand the Veela charms. Floo us back as soon as you can! I will be at home with Aloise, Lea's mother until then."

Well, that sounded interesting. He got up to make a cup of breakfast tea, taking some thoughtful sips before banishing the cup and rushing over to his fireplace in excitement.

"Gabrielle?"

"Oh, Harry, come right through!"

Harry grabbed a handful of powder and Floo-ed into her home. He arrived with his head still a bit tipsy, and someone led him to a comfortable couch. After a few minutes of unwinding, he felt the presence of a less-than-average in raw magic witch sitting across the room patiently, and the blitz of youth sitting beside him.

Smiling, he looked up at Gabrielle. "How are you?"

"Harry, I am doing well. I am so glad you came over. I am shocked you answered so quickly!"

He sat up. "Nothing else to do when free-lancing. My secretary is weeding through my request mail, but nothing really happens in London any more. Plus, you rarely visit! You look so beautiful, how are you?"

"Oh Harry. You say that every time you see me." She placed a light kiss on his cheek. "Ah, Aloise, this is Harry. Harry, Aloise."

"I am very grateful for your presence Mssr. Potter." Aloise seemed to have trouble forming the words, obviously not used to speaking in English.

Potter smiled back. The woman had sad brown eyes and light brown hair that looked like it was not brushed often, even if it was brushed at the moment. Merlin what was wrong with him? He was still thinking about hair even now! "Not a problem at all."

Aloise looked at him with worried eyes. And then looked to Gabrielle, speaking in a very clipped French.

"Aloise, Harry is very professional." She sighed. Sifting through her bag, she grabbed what looked to be a tiny conch with an earpiece attached to it. She handed it to him while sifting through her bag for something else. "It is developed by an American wizard. It translates French dialogue, so I apologize for that appalling American accent it will speak in." Gabrielle stood to go into her kitchen, and Harry tried on the earpiece. When she returned, she was waving a pack of cigarettes.

"Gabrielle, you know I don't -"

"No tobacco." She handed him the box. It was branded Gauloises, but turning it over, he saw that it was called Orateur. "It is an experimental side product co-created by Mr. Draco Malfoy. When you use it, your language is translated into French."

"The smoke -"

"Is an illusion. It will smell to those expecting a smell."

Stunned, he took one out to use before realizing he was now hearing her with an American accent. The earpiece was working.

"Mr. Potter," said Aloise. "My only child Lea, she... she is a courtesan. She is very good. A good daughter who visits very often. A good courtesan. I taught her to respect herself and her body. And her clients.. they adore her. They _respect_ her. She can smell another woman on her clients and will turn them away. So, my daughter... so intelligent, so powerful.. has managed to sway many politicians that will visit the Veela clubs into waiting for her. The Veela are losing business. Losing their _reputations_. She is very ethical. She – she will never touch another woman's husband without the woman's permission."

Aloise was shaking in nerves and worry. Harry thought it was very clear the woman was used to defending her daughter to her friends and other family. The mother seemed proud of her daughter, but he understood that an outside opinion, however well-meaning will take its toll.

Continuing, she said. "Lea has gone missing. My husband went to go look for her, but now he is missing too! My family is gone, and I know the Veela must have them. Help us please. We tried earlier with a French detective but he was quickly mesmerized by the Veela."

A long silence, a lighter, and a smoky exhale later, "Aloise, I can help you," Harry said. Remembering to keep puffing the cigarette might be difficult, but for now it seemed fine.

"But the Veela. I understand you are unmarried?"

Harry thought his hair must have made him look like a teenager. "Experiments. After the war, I stopped desiring women."

"Oh, I am very open minded Mr. Potter. You prefer -"

"No! Um, no." He tried dating a guy a while back once he realized he no longer found women attractive. A very discreet newly graduated Hogwarts boy who looked more like Tom Riddle Jr. in his prime than Harry would like to admit.

"Ma'am, I think I no longer have sexual desires."

Notes: I try to keep an open mind. Let me know what you think. It might get a bit plot heavy here and there, but I mostly want this to be a humor fic.

Will there be any graphic sex?: Probably not. Maybe some people getting caught, but that's about it!

Will this story center around France: NO! I don't know much about the culture. It's just a starting point.

If you notice any plot holes and errors: Please tell me! I want this to be a good story.


End file.
